Another day gone, another memory lost
The more I learn of the present and the potential future the more I seem to disconnect from what was. Can we ever be again? I don’t feel sentimental but I do sometimes feel that while I’m gaining more in some regards I’m losing what I had. I had a great deal of uncertainty, this isn’t to say I didn’t know what I had…which I probably didn’t. Linguistics fail me here but the short of the approximation I aim for is I was once a seeker lost amongst the waves of something much greater. Now I seem to have to become far too hardened and cynical. Not that this is the first time I’ve crossed this axis, I remember those dying days when the existentialism faded and I glared into a nihilistic void.
Now I see I’m simply spinning another web that’s filled with land mines of memory and self deceit. If only I could just relive it for a moment…I’d probably laugh at the empire in the sand that I thought was so great. I don’t know what thought first inspired this rant but there I am out on a tangent watching through the looking glass at what was. I remember my nights four or five years ago. I had such convictions, such angst, such doubt, such more of a connection to pure being. I now remove myself with mental tricks and remind myself of the importance of now. I can’t remember my last midnight walk where the journey was the goal, not a set destination. I know where I aim now and while it is a goal and it will get me where I desire, I don’t think I’m living the travel so much as passing time while it happens.
If what I really need is to reconnect to that then I should I warm up the old Erisian engine and take a trip into the unknown. What is it that the last one stirred up in me? I know it never was better, it simply was another state. Perhaps I need to simply be again… Where to point the compass tonight?
Back when 4am was an everyday. When I had to see the sun before a new day could be.
